Australian Tourism: questions answered

[Jambrea]

These questions about Australia were posted on an Australian Tourism website. Obviously the answers came from fellow Aussies.....just trying to help:

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow?
(UK) A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water...
Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
Q: Which direction is north in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)
A: No, WE don't stink.
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?
Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.
Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.
Q: Are there killer bees in Australia? (Germany)
A: Not yet, but for you, we'll import them.
Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilisation of vegan hunter gatherers. Milk is illegal.
Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees.(USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.
Q: Will I be able to speek English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.

[deek]

I seem to just remember having read this:)

[Jambrea]

Gee, I wonder why!

[Krieves]

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees.(USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

I've seen those before. Very scary.

[bwohlgemuth]

And its American cousin Snipe.

[=^-..-^=]

Which brings up the question of what dumb questions you all hear on YOUR job?

teeching:

•I was absent yesterday; did you do anything important?
No, we knew you weren't here, so continuing on was pointless. We sat around, drank beer, and played cards.

•Do you have any GOOD music on your computer?
No, I specialize in listening tonothing but CRAP. I go into Wooden Nickel and tell the sales clerk to point me to the CRAP section; I have students to annoy!

•So I can answer 70% of these questions and still pass, right?
I wouldn't count on it, kid. You probably did 70% of the work the day they were teaching how to calculate percentages. -OR: Try doing 70% of the work and see how long you keep your job, kid.

•Can I go pee?
Yes, but I'd prefer if you do it in the bathroom.

•I'll give you a dollar if you just give me an A on this paper.
Let's see. . . my integrity. . . .or a dollar. . . .oh, it's so tempting!

•(Related) I'll give you a hundred dollars if you just pass me through this class!
Oooooh! a hundred, for my reputation? I could finally retire, for 20 minutes! Let's see the money! I thought so, kid. You couldn't raise a hundred if you sold your whole collection of bongs. . .

•You didn't notice that my worksheet was in three different styles of handwriting, did you?
Not until you said something. You're gonna be the guy that breaks into a house and accidentaly leaves his wallet, aren't you?

•Can I get a different flavor Jolly Rancher? I don't like this one you gave me!
You don't like the flavor I give you, it's double your money back! (Usually followed by) Waaait, this was free; how can I get money back?

•These pens you put out for us to use are crap! Why can't you provide decent pens? (Put your own response here - Remember, you can't swear.)

[Oliver's Army]

the PEN IS what the PEN IS

[G Fresh]

"Well, the school wouldn't let me put out the swords like I wanted to. Said something about the pen being mightier or some crap like that."

[bwohlgemuth]

When the quality of the work improves from the class, so will the quality of pens I provide for the class.

The way things are going, you guys are going to be using poop to write with very soon...

[=^-..-^=]

Okay now lets get back to the original way I derailed this thread: What dumb questions do you get asked at work?