Garr's Joke Thread

[Oliver's Army]

C, E-flat, and G go into a bar.

The bartender says, "Sorry, but we don't serve minors."
So, the E-flat leaves, and the C and the G have an open fifth between them.

After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished; the G is out flat.

An F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough.

A D comes into the bar and heads straight for the bathroom saying, "Excuse me. I'll just be a second."

An A comes into the bar, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor.

Then the bartender notices a B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and exclaims, "Get out now! You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight."

The E-flat, not easily deflated, comes back to the bar the next night in a 3-piece suit with nicely shined shoes.
The bar tender says: "You're looking sharp tonight, come on in! This could be a major development." This proves to be the case, as the E-flat takes off the suit, and everything else, and stands there au naturel.

Eventually, the C sobers up, and realizes in horror that he's under a rest. The C is brought to trial, is found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and
is sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda at an upscale correctional facility.

On appeal, however, the C is found innocent of any wrongdoing, even accidental, and that all accusations to the contrary are bassless.

The bartender decides he needs a rest - and closes the bar.

[=^-..-^=]

Where do Generals put their armies?































In their sleevies, of course!

[=^-..-^=]

A man walks into an antique bookseller shop.

" May I help you, sir?"

"Yes, I collect old Bibles. Do you have any rare specimens?"

"Well, this guy brought an old Bible in this morning for me to look at; but I didn't buy it from him. It was printed by, uhh Guten-somebody . . . Guten. . . "

"Gutenberg?"

"Yeah, that was it."

"OH MY GOD! A Gutenberg bible is worth countless MILLIONS of dollars!!!!"

"Oh really? Well this one wouldn't have been worth much. Some idiot named Martin Luther scribbled his sermon notes all over the margins of it. . . . "

[Garr]

What do you call a guitarist without a girlfriend?
















Homeless.

[Garr]

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to
Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed
away. The undertaker told the husband, "You can have
her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her
here, in the Holy Land, for $150." The man thought
about it and told him he would just have her shipped
home.

The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to
ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to
be buried here and you would spend only $150?"

The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was
buried here, and three days later he rose from the
dead. I just can't take that chance."

[Garr]

In a biology class, The professor was discussing the high glucose levels
found in semen which gives the sperm all the energy for their journey. A
female freshman raised her hand and asked, "If I understand, you're saying
there Is a lot of glucose, as in sugar, in semen?"

"That's correct," responded the professor, going on to add statistical
info. Raising her hand again, she asked, "Then why doesn't it taste
sweet?" After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing. The
poor girl's face turned bright red, and as she realized exactly what she had
inadvertently said (or rather implied) she picked up her books without a
word and walked out of class.

However, as she was going out the door, the professor's reply was classic.
Totally straight-faced, he answered her question, " It doesn't taste
sweet because the taste buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue
and not the back of your throat. Have a good day."

[sevesd93]

A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the
alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons.

"I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my
genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll
then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscratched. In return for
witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."

The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his
pants, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator
closed his mouth as the crowd gasped.

After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of it's head. He removed his unit and the crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered.

The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try". A hush fell over the crowd.

After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A blonde woman timidly
spoke up.

"I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer
bottle". .....

[sevesd93]

A little boy and a little girl were sitting on the porch talking, when the little girl asked:
"Do you want to get undressed and we can play doctor?"
The little boy replied:
"That's too old fashioned ... spit out your gum, I want to play President."

[Garr]

Edited for grammer out of respect to Garr's thread.

I love the irony in this.

[The_Dude]

CWallace walks into a bar, sits down and says, "Hey bartender, I'll have 13 shots of Cuervo 1800."

The bartender pours the shots and watches CWallace chug every last one of them.

With a puzzled look on his face, the bartender asks, "Why on Earth would you or anyone else want 13 shots of tequila?"

CWallace replies, "I'm celebrating my first hummer!"

The bartender smiles and says, "Well, hell, buddy...if that's the case, the next one is on me!"

CWallace shakes his head and says, "No thanks, man. If 13 shots won't get the taste out of my mouth, nothing will!"

[adam atherton]

a man runs into a bar, completely out of breath. he orders ten shots of the bartenders finest scotch, and starts drinking them really fast.

the bartender asks why he is drinking so hard, to which the man replied, "you'd be drinking like this if you had what i have."

"what's that?" the bartender asks.

the man replied....





























....."fifty cents."

[Garr]

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."

The old man says without hesitation - "I now pronounce you man and wife."

[Garr]

It had been snowing for hours when an announcement came over the high school intercom: "Will the students who are parked on University Drive please move their cars so that we may begin plowing."

Twenty minutes later there was another announcement: "Will the twelve hundred students who went to move 26 cars, return to class."

[Garr]

One hot July day we found this old straggly cat at our door. She was a sorry site. Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny and hair all matted down. We felt sorry for her, and put her in a carrier and took her to the Vet. She had no name so we named her Mark Prior cat. The Vet decided to keep her for a day or so and said he would let us know when we could come and get her.

My husband, the complainer said "OK, but don't forget to wash her, she stinks." My husband and my Vet don't see eye to eye. He calls my hubby El Cheap-O, and my hubby calls him El Take-O.

The next day hubby had an appointment with his Doctor, which is located next door to the Vet. The Doctor's office was full of people waiting to see the Doctor. The door opened and in popped the vet and announces to my hubby, "Your wife's Mark Prior is finally shaved and clean. She now smells like a rose. And by the way, I think she is pregnant. God knows who the father is!" and then he closed the door.

[Garr]

The ambassador of a small African nation chanced to visit Russia, and was entertained by his opposite number, the Russian ambassador. For three days, the African ambassador was wined, dined, and generally treated to the best hospitality that Russia had to offer.
On the final day of his visit, the Russian ambassador said, "As your stay is coming to an end, it is time for you to play our traditional game, Russian roulette. One of the six chambers of this gun is loaded - you spin the cylinder, point the gun at your head, and pull the trigger."

This phased the African slightly, but he was a proud man of a warrior people, and to show fear would be unthinkable. Both men took their guns, spun, and pulled the triggers.

Both chambers were empty, and both ambassadors breathed a sigh of relief.

The African ambassador was much impressed with the couragous game, and thought hard about the subject before the Russian Ambassador was due to visit his country the next year.

When the visit came, the African ambassador treated the Russian with all hospitality, until the final day of his stay. Leading him to a private room in the palace, the African ambassador spoke, "Now it is time for you to sample our game, African roulette". So saying, he led the Russian into the room, the only occupants of which were six beautiful, naked women.

The African ambassador said, "These women are the most beautiful members of one of our tribes. Any one of them will give you a oral sex - take your pick".

The Russian was not entirely averse to this idea, but he couldn't see the connection with Russian Roulette. He said, "Well, ok, great, but where's the roulette part? Where's the danger?"

With a big grin on his face, the African ambassador answered:

"One of them's a cannibal."