meant as a joke, obviously...sorry if it offends anyone. no i'm not.
SCOTT STAPP
THE GREAT DIVIDE
I really hate it when a music or film critic tries to sneak in lame or cutesy jokes. Well, no, actually I don’t mind it too much, but you might. But really, do you know what might be the nastiest thing in the world? Paris Freaking Hilton. You know what else is pretty gross? Those Nickleback-loving douchebags formerly known as Creed. I mean, they had the best singer in the world; my main man, Scott “Gon’ Fight My Way to Heaven” Stapp. Dude is seriously awesome, and the way he knocked out those 311 guys in that one rockstar-only hotel? Totally classic stuff, kind of like that Led Zepplin/fish thing. I’m so glad he left all those one guys behind; I only wish he had beat them down the way he did 311. Those guys just wanted to make my dude look like a potser, ya know? Spreading those lies about him being addicted to drugs and not being able to finish a full song on their final tour. I bet they don’t even love God like they said they did. Scott even kind off looks like Jesus, ya know? When he grows a beard, and I know he will, because I know a secret, he’ll be the spitting image. You’ll see.
So when I was The Man and got a free copy of his first solo album, The Great Divide, I got all stoked and started telling people about my plans for a review. A co-worker and I decided to play the album; that’s when about two minutes in, I decided it was just too good to listen to; I had to cut it off ASAP. Said co-worker then said, “the bad thing about reviewing this album is that you’ll actually have to listen to it.” I’m still not sure what he meant by that, but I took his advice and decided to write my review based on the first 2 minutes or so of the opening track, “Reach Out.” Seriously though, check out that song title. Right? And can you see that picture on the cover up there? Look at it twice. How does he come up with that stuff? I mean, that’s exactly how he looked every single time I saw him on TV.
I started reading the lyrics, and they were pretty good, although, I usually don’t understand what people mean. This one song, “You Will Soar” had me feeling real good about myself-I remember that much, then, about halfway through the song, I noticed this one picture on the next page. Shirt off, chest totally puffed out, mouth wide open, leather pants; what a great photo! That photo just kind of did it for me, especially the low-cut leather pants; that’s such a Mick Jagger thing to do. Did you know that he named his son Jagger? I mean, what more is there to really say? Jagger did it with so many chicks, how come no one else thought to name their kid that? I bet you his son starts way before any of his pals, if you know what I mean? I didn’t really read any of the other lyrics, although I kind of glanced at them in the bathroom a few minutes ago. One lyric in particular really helped me finish up my business, let me share; “I’m still healing, no I’m not reeling, yes I’m feeling, this is my fight song.” That’s the kind of lyric that will really help you drop a decent load.
So in summary, I guess I’ve decided to keep The Great Divide in my bathroom for the time being. If by chance you bought a copy, I really hope you’ll consider listening to the first two minutes before putting it in your bathroom. (Greg Locke)
album review that never got published
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