Groupie Code of Conduct

[MrSpall]

I found this on ESPN. It's mostly made for athlete groupies, but could easily apply to the crazy amount of groupies I soon hope to have as the biggest rock star on the planet. Without further ado I present to you,

The Groupie Code of Conduct

• After midnight and before 6 a.m. – those are the hours. Daylight appearances only give groupies a false sense of security.

• It's a temporary takeover, not a merger. Think of Groupie Nation as an oppressed country that you want to occupy, but not govern.

• If a groupie is also messing around with a rapper … have her bootleg his CD. He's stealing from you so you might as well steal from him.

• Never tell an athlete, "I don't usually do this, but …" If you didn't usually do it, he wouldn't be messing around with you.

• If you get good tickets, that doesn't make you a favorite. It could be an athlete's way of showing authorities whom to serve with a restraining order.

• You are not No. 1. In the grand scheme of things, you may not even be in the athlete's top 20. Pasternack warns: "You've got to keep in mind his career is the most important thing in his life." A close second on the priority list is making sure the wife doesn't have the evidence to get the prenup nullified.

• A groupie must never possess an athlete's main cell phone or home number. Get a phone specifically for extracurricular usage and don't have the bill sent to your house. As an extra precaution, it just might be a good idea not to mess around with any groupie with Internet access.

• Never allow a groupie access to your cell phone for any reason. If a groupie even tries to answer your phone, dismiss her immediately. Always keep your phone locked. Not with the key guard, but a secure four-digit code. And I don't mean your birth date, either.

• Have a groupie power poll. This way you don't get attached to just one groupie. Treat it like the BCS if you have to, with a top 25, strength of schedule and margin of victory.

• Forget the Cristal. Get Miller Lite. Too much wining and dining leads to confusion. Save the romance for wifey. Besides, if you treat a groupie like a girlfriend, she'll start thinking she has the rights of one. The best way to treat a groupie is like the drunk uncle in your family. Allow her to entertain you and then deny knowing her.

• No photos or videotapes – not so much as a hair sample. Approach each rendezvous with a groupie as though it were an episode of "Without A Trace."

• Finally, there is no circumstance dire enough to warrant ever bringing a groupie to your home. You are just asking for this to be a chapter in the groupie's book: "Why Mrs. Iverson Isn't Really That Good Of A Housekeeper."