In Honor(sic) of OJ: If you did it...

[The Hand of Poo]

IF, and this is not a confession, IF you did it, how would it happen?


I would begin by gouging out the victim's eyes. Afterwards, I would lead them to a minefield and proceed with a fatal game of Marco Polo.

- OR -

I've always enjoyed a good impaling. Any would do.

[lbanks]

I would feed them spinach picked from around a herd of wild boars... then I would read them my Poetry.

[Krieves]

I would sing to them.

They would take their own lives.

[The Hand of Poo]

If you're killing two people, I'd suggest the "M&M Survival of the Fittest" technique and smash them together between two buicks to see whose bone structure is more genetically superior.

Most people think the efficient way to kill some vehicularly is to cut the brake line. I digress. My solution is to ready the song "I'm in love with a stripper" at full blast so when they enter the car their affection for music will implode, killing them instantly. Unless they're a fan, in which case they're most likely already brain-dead.

Finally, I propose a method for the growing problem of people who drive as though they're enduring diabetic shock 24/7: Street Piracy. I'm considering packing a cutlass, pistol, tri-point hat and plank in the back seat of the car. The next time I get stuck behind three lanes of drivers doing 25 down lafayette, all of whom seem to think a moving blockade is a righteous affair, I'm boarding their camrys and sending them to davy jones' locker. Landlubbers suck, Argh.

Today's homicidal rant brought to you by the automotive industry.

[sevesd93]

I found this list and It seems to just fit right in.

Tom Cruise: If I was Gay, this is how I'd f**k Tobey McGuire

Mel Gibson: If were to ruin my career, this is how I'd do it

Mark Foley: If I were to hit on underage boys, this is what I would say.

KFed- If I was really black, this is what I'd sound like.

Paris Hilton: If I was a slut, this is how I'd do a rusty trombone

Jessica Simpson: If I was retarded, this is how I'd talk.

Charles Darwin: If I was burning in Hell, this is how’d I'd keep cool.

Barry Bonds: If I used steroids, this is how I’d hide the needle marks

Sadam Hussein: If I committed crimes against humanity, these are the biological weapons I’d use.

Michael Jackson; If I did molest kids, here's how I would get Macaulay Culkin not to say anything

Bill Clinton: If I did have a sexual relationship with that woman,here’s where I’d have shot my load.

9/11 Terrorist: If I did fly a plane into the world trade center, here's why I can see an upside to it.

Rush Limbaugh: If I were to take painkillers, this is how I’d blame it on Clinton

George W. Bush: If I were to start an unjust war, under false pretenses, this is how I’d misdirect it.

Nicole Ritchie- If I was anorexic, this is what my vomit would have in it.

Tobey McGuire: If I was getting messed by Tom Cruise, this is how he'd do me.

Kirstie Alley- If I weighed 190lbs this is the bikini I'd wear.

Ann Coulter- If I encouraged people to send terrorist mail, this is the strain of Anthrax I'd insert

Ted Haggard: If I bought meth and sexual favors from a gay prostitute, here's what my butthead would look like.

Judas: If I did betray Jesus, this is how much sliver I'd do it fo.

Mel Gibson: If I really did hate Jews, this is how I'd exterminate them.

Neil Armstrong: If the moon landing was faked, here’s how I’d stage it.

Courtney Love: If I did have Kurt Cobain killed, and make it look like a suicide, here’s how I’d blow his head off.

Kaiser Sose: If I did poof and was gone, this is how I’d do it.

Sasquatch: If I did leave those big footprints in the mud, here’s the shoes I’d wear.

Tupac: If I did fake my own death, yet still manage to come out with a new album every few years, here’s what I’d say.