untitled part one.

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Is this a wickedly awesome poem or what?

Yes! i can't wait til part two, so Get crackin' Jessica! you little c-nt you.
1
6%
of couse, but thats b/c i love you!
2
12%
needs a little work! only b/c you're werid.
2
12%
too long, had to stop reading. but seemed ok for as much as i read
5
29%
its werid. you scare me with this
0
No votes
no! i think your writing sucks donkey ass with Nolans wang in it!
5
29%
you're a great writer.
2
12%
learn to spell!
0
No votes
 
Total votes: 17

independent_Jes
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untitled part one.

Post by independent_Jes »

sucka!
Last edited by independent_Jes on Fri Aug 05, 2005 4:24 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Post by scarlit »

It really lacks rhythm, and the elementary symbolism needs to go.
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Post by independent_Jes »

poetry doesn't need rhythm, its not a song not even a prose. just what i was thinking at the time...and i happen to like it. not everything needs a rhythm, sometimes i think things are far most better, witout rhythms. Then every little thing becomes a routine, thats great for security, but not for my poetry. and who care which style its in. its not fashion.
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Post by NecRael »

i'm sorry, but why do you ask for opinions when you intend to just ignore them?

Not to mention that it is actually in prose.

I think, for one, that it is extremely repetative. Some words repeat in the same sentence(which would be artistic if it seemed intentional at all but, it doesn't) Others repeat in the next stanza. Which is really distracting and weakens the meaning of the poem.

I also agree with scarlit, the symbolism is very cliche'. Summer, winter fall; black and white; rain and hell; cold air, freezing lungs; sun and moon(there are more as well), those have all been used hundreds or even thousands of times. Along with the grammatical errors(one or two is okay but there are several in each stanza, which is also distracting when trying to read a poem)

it's an okay poem but really does not have any meaning that stands out.
there also seems to be a lack of actual progression.
it changes ideas in the middle of stanzas and each part has nothing to do with the other.

it's like 3 mediocre poems thrown together into a larger one and that larger one is weaker than the seperate three.
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Post by independent_Jes »

well its supposed to change, and be werid. thats how i write, i think it gives it a little something extra. and who cares if its not perfect or has grammical things wrong about it. i didnt even spell check it. its not a fornicatin' essay
and yea it does have a meaning, "nothing going to change my world" i'm saying all that werid crap can happen, which would cause it to be a bad day or night. but nothing isnt going to a effect me. that is what it means.

and right now, i dont even want to discuss it. because you have no idea on what i meant on this POEM. and the cliches, well everyone uses them.

so lets just end this.
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Re: untitled part one.

Post by Jas »

everything looks black and white
i can't find anything right
would you tell me everything, to add some color to the world
shades of gray, pools of joy
dancing in my hopeless heart
as my mind is filled with selfish fools
Envy shaved through the wind
Paraniod(paranoid) laughter in our throats
something to remind us of the time we all fell in love
kisses of the lucious lips
why do we care about what happens now, as we all forget about all (repetition) (of)the past. why do we fight for wrong reasons but run away from the correct reasons (repetition)
but somehow we have survived.

Winter has past(passed), spring has gone
summer left its smell behind
fall has last (wtf)but fade(faded, fades??) away with the last halloween's moon
so now whats (what's)left to feel on the skin and smell the lessful (not a word)air
I lost the sun, the moon also.
the stars they lost their shine and sparkle.
Nothings going (to)change my world, nothings going change my world. (nothing's X 2)
Echos (echoes) of sorrow bounce off mountains of death defiance (word choice?). As many wise men say crazy veiws (views) drift away like the moon's shine.
this feeling that i have doesn't explain every second i'm alive

Careless winters
gifts of joy
lonely mothers of sadden (saddened??) joy
kisses of the fire sky
lovers in a monster mash
give and take is the only answer
through the leary light
i know time has past(passed)
but the clock has broke (broken)
i don't know which way to go
the rain has fell (fallen)
but not in hell
firefly light the fallen sky
ciggerette ashes burn your eyes (cigarette)
but you seem not to mind
breathing in cold air, it freezes my lungs
the ice crystals in my lungs are falling off stabbing my insides of shaded dust
the tears have fallen, lives destoryed (destroyed) by promises broken
secrets told
life unfold (unfolds)
by the look through a mirror
there's nothing to linger
to shallow souls
rules irrupt (erupt) that were never there
let's all go fight the battle of trust
everyone knows what perfect is, but are (is) far away from it.
nothing is going to change my world, nothing will ever change my world.
J'ai Guéru de va. Nous ne pas guéru de va
--------------------------------------------------------------------

Everyone our ohvur their.

I was going to add (makes no logical sense or if it's an attempt at being artistic, it's very poor) where needed BUT someone might get confused, thinking you reposted, and think "man this really isn't creative, they say the same thing every other line"


But on a positive note, I'm anxious to see untitled part two.
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Post by Al Quandt »

You two are so mean :)
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Post by independent_Jes »

hahahahaha they arent mean kim! trust me, i know mean. and i am very sensitive! physical and emotional. plus i am extremely crude. ahaha i guess you can call me a snob.

what they are saying here is crap! ha i laugh in their face! because i did so forking awesome on my snowboarding research paper that my teacher loved it so much! which would make them awe in amazement! muwhahahahaha. not a tear has jerk from my eyes. but if it has, it is because i am soooo tired! but i am so used to getting put down, only a few things can hurt my feelings.
i know i have errors, i have errors in this reply right now, do i care. no.
i think they just need to realize, that I DONT CARE! :lol: yep, thats why i got kicked out of new haven! ahahahahahaha. plus i am bullheaded, rebelious and volatile. but this isnt my greatest poem....there are better. i guess i can call this my cliche poem that everybody compains about.

anyways all i have to say, is thanks, thanks a lot. now you guys made all sleepy.(yawn). i guess josh lampe was right, i like to start sh*t. it gives me something to do. oh i hope you guys come to my graduation show. yea i have no hard feelings. :D 8)
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Post by independent_Jes »

oh on another note, i should of typed it all in french! muwhaahhaha then could you understand it then?! as my friends would say "frog!"
ahh gotta love the french. next poem i do will be in francais!
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Post by somethingtragic »

Can you believe that it's now grammatically accepted to say "NUCULER" instead of NUCLEAR"....

:(

This thread reminded me of that.
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Post by SPOONER »

sorry scarlit, but i laughed at you for about 5 minutes after i read your comment
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